I don’t know about you but I often treat my body like a separate entity. I have gone around life taking my body for granted as if this physical form were a being outside of my true self. I know, damn well, that my body is a part of my human presence on this earth. Yet, I don’t move in this life as if this were the case.
I know sleep is critical to my health, yet at 10 pm, I disregard my fatigue and push through for the sake of pushing through. Or when I crave something to eat, I don’t also recognize that I haven’t had water in hours. I’ve always told my body what it should want rather than listening to what my body needs. I now realize how wrong this approach has been. In the spirit of transparency and connection, I’m writing an apology note.
Disclaimer: I recognize that this is very transparent of me. I also acknowledge that not everyone has the privilege to speak an apology into existence. I write this post to foster my healing journey and hope that if you make a connection to my words, they help you on your journey towards healing.
I’m Sorry..
Apology: a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.
I sit here in awe at all the things you’ve allowed me to accomplish in my 40 years of life. In my youth, I learned about myself by how my body reacted to situations. If I was sweating during a presentation, I realized I was nervous. If I was sore, then I had taken steps to move effectively. Somewhere along the way, however, I became my own enemy.
There have been so many times when I’ve hated you. The times when I didn’t fill out an outfit properly or I filled it out too much, were torture. Or when nasty comment was made about a body part, I internalized that as being the truth which only made me hate you more.
When I looked in the mirror, I rarely ever saw beauty. I always looked for flaws, and every new fault I found, further justified my negative feelings.
So, I’m here to say sorry. I apologize for all the negative thoughts, self-talk, and feelings I’ve had. I was afraid and sad. I was always scared that my body wasn’t ever good enough according to society, and as a result, I didn’t feel worthy of praise. I was still sad that I could never fix the “issues” I saw.
In a few weeks, I turn 40, and it has taken me all of these four decades to come to recognize the beauty of my body. So, I want to say sorry. I should have loved you more, cared for you more, and protected you more. I am blessed with this form on earth, and I must honor that blessing. Yet, I failed you. I am working on never doing that again.
At this time in my life, I’ve birthed two babies, recovering from a severely damaged hip, and am working to heal other ailments. Instead of belittling myself, I want to say thank you. Thank you for always healing me and putting me back together; even when I’m drained of energy or cut into pieces, you find a way to bring me back.
Thank you for continuing to help me show up in life. From this moment on I will speak highly of you and honor you. I will eat the foods that make you feel better, I will strengthen you and work towards healing.
Transparency: As I wrote this healing note, I felt so strange. I felt disconnected to the words I was writing. I felt shame for putting my thoughts to “paper” but I also feel liberated. I’ve taken a very important first step in my healing process. I still have a ways to go and so I hope to come back to this post and add more.
If any of what I’ve shared with you, resonates with you, I would love to hear from you.